Cousin Throckmorton Drops Us a Line or Two

Dear Cousin Red,

I was out on the town last evenin’ enjoyin’ a few cold beers and a little satellite TV, and happened to catch that show Mythbusters. Have y’all ever seen that? That’s my new dream job right there; being on TV and getting’ paid ta blow things up. But you remember what Granny usta say about me. That I had a face made fer radio and a voice made fer silent pictures. But any way, last night the show I saw had ‘em tryin’ to get a fire ball outta a grease fire. And they did it.

But it put me in mind a’ the time Cousin Henry set fire to Uncle John and Aunt Martha’s kitchen; y’all rec’olect that evenin’? Cousin Henry was making french fries and started the grease ta cookin’ in a dutch oven on the stove, and turned his back on it to peel and cut the taters. After about 10 minutes he heard a little ‘pop’ behind him and turned ‘round to see flames shootin’ up of’n his grease. He followed his first reaction and dumped water on the fire. That turned out to be a bad idea, an’ after seein’ last night’s show I know why. Seems that the grease is hot enough to turn the water to steam RIGHT NOW, and that steam carries the grease an’ the fire with it when it goes up.

Well, that’s exactly what happened to Cousin Henry. The fire ball went up onto the stove hood, set the filters on fire, came out the vent on the front a’ the hood and up over the face a’ the cabinets and a’crost the ceiling. All the little plates Aunt Martha had hangin’ by the ceiling got black, and the ceiling was one a those fancy ones with the pops and swirls on it and the tips a’ all a’ them pops got black. It kinda looked like an upside down mare-rang pie.

But wait, it gets worse.

Uncle John and Aunt Martha weren’t home when it happened, and Cousin Henry was doin’ his damnedest to make the whole place right afore they got home. But his timin’ was off.

Uncle John and Aunt Martha came home an’ started walkin’ up the front walk, an’ spied the dutch oven, black as midnight sittin’ in the yard. They didn’t have long to puzzle on that, cause then they saw the filters outta the range hood, black as sin with holes burnt in ‘em layin’ next ta the dutch oven. Seein’ the range hood layin’ next to that, lookin’ a little crispy, started to cause them a little concern.

When they stepped in the door an’ looked inta the kitchen, there was Cousin Henry, smellin’ a little like soap an’ a lot like smoke, up on a chair tryin’ ta wash down the cabinets and nick-knacks. Uncle John an’ Aunt Martha looked at Cousin Henry an’ he looked back at them an’ said the first thin’ that came inta his head.

“Well, it ain’t as bad as it looks.”

Best wishes from all of us in the Holler,

Throckmorton Q. Sheisseschnitter