Another Missive From My Cousin

Dear Cousin Red,

I had ta go up to Big City t’other day to get me a checkin’ account. Since I got that computer I found out there is all kinds of things y’all can buy out there in the world and ain’t none of them places take cash. I sure don’t run through the dollar bills like I usta.

So anyways, I had to go up to Big City ta open a checkin’ account. I didn’t think I was ever gonna get done fillin’ out papers. ‘Bout the only thing they didn’t want to know was how often I visited the backhouse. You’da thunk I was atryin’ to walk off with some of their money, ‘stead ‘a givin’ ‘em mine.

When I finally got done tellin’ them folks everythin’ ‘bout me but my math scores from 3rd grade, the feller asks me if I wanted access to the A-T-M. I ask what a TM was. He told me an ATM was a way of getting’ money with a card. I told him sure, but up home we call getting’ money with cards Poker. Then he told me it was a way to get money with out writin’ a check. I told him I do that now, it’s what my wife’s purse is for. He said he meant I wouldn’t have ta go to the bank when I wanted money. I told him we kept my wife’s purse in the bedroom, not the bank.

He then told me that an ATM is a way of getting’ money outta a machine. I told him I knew all about that. I had two cousins who did time for getting money out of a machine. The Feds called it counterfeitin’. An’ I got to tell ya’ that he must have been the most caring feller in the world, ‘cause when I told him about my cousins, he broke right down an’ cried. He was still cryin’ and moanin’ a little bit like he was in pain over somethin’ when I left.

Well Cousin, I guess that’s about it. I hope to hear back from you as soon as y’all is able.

Best wishes from all of us in the Holler,

Throckmorton Q. Sheisseschnitter