Cousin Throckmorton Has More to Say

Dear Cousin Red,

I have what we call a sit-U-A-shun I hope y’all can help with.

Y’all know my wife has 3 brothers. And all three of ‘em want new cars. Her brothers Jim Bob and George I ain’t got no problem with. Hell, I’ve lent ‘em money a’fore, and they paid it back, on time and to the dime.

The problem is her youngest brother, Willie Jeff. He wants a car too. Problem is he can’t afford the shoe leather ta walk, much less one a’ them hot new Mustangs. ‘Cause I lent Jim Bob and George the cash for their money down and co-signed for their notes, the wife insists that we gotta do the same for Willie Jeff.

But Cuz, that ain’t my problem. Y’all know when the boss says do, y’all do’s. Or face the music. Or more like, face the lack of music, if’n you know what I mean. So I lent Willie Jeff the money down and co-signed his note. An’ he bought a new Mustang.

But Cuz, that ain’t my problem either. See, I had this plan to make sure I weren’t the only one to lose my butt on Willie Jeff’s debt. I didn’t want to lend him the cash, but the boss said I had to. I know what’s gonna happen. That boy ain’t paid off’n a debt in his life. So what I did was tried to get the rest a’ her family to buy some of Willie Jeff’s debt from me, so’s all of us would lose a little, instead a one of us losin’ a lot. Hell I was even gonna give ‘em a break, and sell ‘em just the money I figured to lose and let ‘em share in the interest I was gonna make, if’n I ever saw a dime. And some of ‘em was fer it.

Until I mentioned it was Willie Jeff.

Then they kinda chilled on the idea. So, what I hada do was this. I cut the money I loaned Jim Bob and George inta shares and then cut the money I loaned Willie Jeff into half as many shares. Everybody who bought 2 shares of Jim Bob’s debt or George’s debt hada take a share of Willie Jeff’s. I figured I was bein’ smart. I hear tell that is just what them big New Yawk bankers was doin’ with all them bad loans the guvmint made them give out.

Well, you know Willie Jeff. He beat the eyes outta that car for two months and never even thought about makin’ a payment, to me or to the bank. Next thing y’all know the bank is dunnin’ me for the note I signed for Willie Jeff.

Now Cuz, that still ain’t the problem. Jim Bob and George are doin’ fine. Makin’ payments and takin’ care a’ their wheels. And every month I gotta send cash to all the folks who bought shares in their debt. And every month I gotta send a bit outta my own pocket the help pay off Willie Jeff’s bit, and pay the bank for the note I co-signed, ‘cause by the time they got that car back from Willie Jeff there weren’t much left. I figure that passenger seat and trunk lid they salvaged are gonna take me 10 years ta pay off.

But that still ain’t the problem Cuz. ‘Member how I got inta this mess ‘cause the wife said I had ta? Well, guess whose fault SHE says it is? She’s ridin’ me like a borrowed mule about payin’ all this cash to all these folks for a problem she caused, that she ain’t admittin’ too.

This here is the problem Cuz. A couple a years from now I’ll just start getting’ out a the hole this mess has put me inta and guess what worthless bum’ll come along lookin’ fer another loan? How in the name a’ John Deere do I tell the boss ‘NO’? That’s my problem. ‘Cause I gotta tell y’all Cousin Red, it ain’t worked out any better for me than it did them big New Yawk bankers.

Well, it did work out a little better for them. I’m bailin’ them out all the while I’m bailin out Willie Jeff. I tell y’all, Cuz; life just ain’t fair.

Best wishes from all of us in the Holler,

Throckmorton Q. Sheisseschnitter