Cousin Throckmorton Sends His Regards

Dear Cousin Red,

Onest again I need to see if you can help me figur’ out somethin’ I heared about from out in the world that don’t make no sense to us up here in the Holler.

Is it true that the Government is calling a Golf Cart an ‘Letric Car? And givin’ y’all $5,300 to help y’all buy one? On what planet does that make sense? First, the whole idea that the government decides that buyin’ a car that burns ‘lecticity instead of gas means you get money is one I just can’t get my head around.

If’n we all drove ‘lectric cars, where in the name of Jonah are we gonna get all this juice? Near as I can tell we get most of it now from burnin’ coal and oil. Seems to me that driving more cars that burn ‘lectric is really just like drivin’ more cars that burn coal.

Plus ev’ry day don’t we hear ‘bout how we are at the limit of what power we can produce? Where we gonna get the new power? Them Green folks won’t let us damn a river, or burn more coal or oil to get ‘lecticity, and the gov’ment won’t let us use ur-ain-ium like they do down in Oak Ridge ‘cause they say it ain’t safe. But, they can take up’ards of a hundred sailors ‘n throw ‘em in a submarine with one of them ur-ain-ium burnin’ things and have ‘em stay under water for a month or so, but we can’t build one to make cheap ‘lectricity. I guess they just ain’t figured out how to put a windmill farm or solar panels on a submarine yet.

But I’m getting’ a little off’n the path I was a’follurin’. What makes a golf cart a car? Yeah, they both have four wheels. But so does my Radio Flyer, an’ it ain’t getting’ 5 grand from the gov’ment. And it’ll do 20 miles per hour too; as long as it’s down hill. And I can sure as hell rig up some lights and seatbelt. Which, when y’all think about it, doing 20 mph in a little red wagon means y’all ought’n ta have a seatbelt. Or brakes. But I’m thinkin’ puttin’ a seatbelt in would be easier than brakes. A’course, with the $5000 I’m gonna get from my Uncle Sam, I just might be able ta do both. I might even be able ta figur’ a way ta get it to uphill, without draggin’ it.

A’course I guess there ain’t much difference between a Smart car and a golf cart, ‘ceptin’ I don’t think anybody would let you drive y’all’s Smart car ‘round the golf course. ‘Course I could be wrong. They only thing I ever drove ‘round a golf course was a lawn mower. Man them folks get fussy about how you cut their grass. And I’ll never understand why they put them nice lawns out in the middle of nowhere, with a sandbox handy for the young’uns, an’ then won’t let a body picnic on ‘em.

Best wishes from all of us in the Holler,

Throckmorton Q. Sheisseschnitter