Cousin Throckmorton Checks in Again

Dear Cousin Red,

We missed y’all last weekend at Cousin Julie’s daughter’s weddin’. I figured it had to be somethin’ real important that kept y’all from bein’ here in the Holler for the social event of the season.

Cousin Julie went whole hog at this weddin’ thing. She and Jasper only had the one daughter at the end a’ all them boys, so she has been plannin’ this here weddin’ for better’n 15 years. And it showed. Some a’ them dec’o’rayshuns was 15 years old if’n they were a day.

But it was a nice time. Seems the bride was right fond a’ green, and choose it for the bride’s maid’s dresses. If she really picked that shade of fluorescent lime in shiny silk on purpose, somebody must be color blind. I still can’t close my eyes without seeing them dresses. I hear tell the man what took the pictures need his sunglasses because a’ the way the flash an’ them dresses kinda clashed.

They had the re’ceptsheon at the big barn up behind Granny’s place, and had Rembert’s do the caterin’. Old Jasper was in 7th Heaven. He hung out at the bar all night, pushin’ drinks on folks. ‘Have a beer’ he’d say; ‘don’t worry, it’s all taken care of’, just like he did when each of his sons got wed.

An’ he made sure ever’ybody got enough to eat. Ham, sweet taters, ears a’ corn and all. He was a’ passin’ out food like there was no ta’marra. An’ grinin’ all the while. ‘Eat it up folks’ he’d say; ‘it’s all taken care of’.

That party went on dang near all night. Eatin’, drinkin’, dancin’ and such seemed like it would never end. But ‘ventually it had to. I guess it was ‘bout 3 o’clock when the oldest Rembert boy finally shut down the bar, totaled up the damages and handed ol’ Jasper the bill.

He was dumbstruck. H’it hadden’t come to him until then who was actually takin’ care of this party. He was usta weddin’s; he just weren’t usta payin’ fer ‘em.

Ol’ Jasper had been havin’ himself one whale of good time ‘til then. Seein’ the cost of that high time sobered him up real fast. An’ then he started lookin’ for ways to raise cash to pay the bill. He didn’t know until then that all his charge cards was at the limit. Seems Cousin Julie bought all them fluorescent lime green shiny silk dresses on his Visa; the weddin’ dress filled up his Mastercard and the dec’o’rayshuns took care of the Discover.

First off he raided the weddin’ presents. Cash he could use, but it seems like Rembert’s didn’t wanna take the Walmart gift cards as payment. Then he had to start auctionin’ off the presents. I got a real nice toaster for 15 bucks; Granny bought herself a new cast iron dutch oven for 35 bucks and your Mamma bought some silverware. She said somethin’ ‘bout anuther weddin’ next month.

But Jasper got the bill paid. It took a while, and by the time he were done, them kids is startin’ life with ‘bout $150 in Walmart gift cards and 6 fluorescent lime green shiny silk dresses.

Ain’t it a Helluva thing, when the parents run up a big bill on a big party, an’ then stick it to the kids to pay the piper?

I guess it just comes natural like to Jasper. He was a Congressman.

Best wishes from all of us in the Holler,

Throckmorton Q. Sheisseschnitter