Another Letter From My Cousin

Dear Cousin Red,

Just a quick note to let y’all know how things are goin’ here in the Holler. Some folks have asked me where I got the name Throckmorton.

I was named after my rich Great-Uncle Quincy. He went by Quincy ‘cause he didn’t like Throckmorton any more than I do. I was named after him in hopes he would leave some money in our direction, but he wound up leaving it to a young nurse he knew, probably in the biblical sense. But I ain’t got it as bad as my youngest brother, Beverly. We didn’t have any sisters, and he was named after a great-aunt with a few coins to leave. All he got was a fine collection of used flea collars.

Speakin’ of kinfolk, my Uncle Billy was just made a granddad for the first time, by his daughter, Hills. They say the kid is the spitin’ image of his son-in-law Josh. To bad Josh is married to his Hills’ twin, Beverly. She didn’t get the money, either. All she got was a large jar full of parts left over from neutering tomcats. Josh claims that half the kids in the Holler look like him. His wife says that doesn’t help his case at all. It just reminds her that there may be room in that jar for one more set. Ain’t they goin’ to be a fun bunch at the family reunion?

Speakin’ of family reunions, we‘ve got one comin’ up on my dad’s side. I’m lookin’ forward to seein’ my second cousin, once removed, Earl. In case some of y’all don’t know about that once removed stuff, here’s the way it works. Once removed means one time we threw Earl out of the family reunion for lightin’ bottle rockets in Granny’s tobacco barn. Earl says it was a moment’s loss of good sense. Granny says that moment started when he was about 5 or 6.

But anyway, he’s goin’ to make his first reunion since then, maybe. Granny ain’t decided if she’ll let him come or not. Earl claims his old banishment don’t count, cause this year he ain’t comin’ as a born in, but a married in, since he’s now married to my brother’s second ex-wife. She’s still invited ‘cause she makes the best potato salad. Granny says she might allow Earl to come, but only if she gets his lighter first.

Best wishes from all of us in the Holler,

Throckmorton Q. Sheisseschnitter